Facing the inner ugly. The only true way to heal.

Facing the inner ugly. The only true way to heal.

I am a warrior. The queen of positivity, the girl who always finds hope in darkness, the wife that believes love can overcome all things. The chronic forgiver, a woman that moves on, always working towards to the prize of balance, happiness and perfect health.

If a problem arises, I'm there to patch the quilt. I believe the hems will not come undone. But then they do.. I patch them again, with extra love this time. Before I know it- they are fraying. Over and over I attempt to fix the problem using different strategies, exhausting myself.. but always believing in the best. Years later, I'm still losing the battle. I'm left with resentment, hate, frustrations.. Why the hell wouldn't that quilt let me fix it??? I blame it on the quilt.

Moral of the story, it is SO easy to do the "right thing" and neglect your own needs in the process. I blanket my anger, frustrations, sadness with positivity. I choose to believe in the best, and neglect the fact that I am waring myself out in extreme ways.

I am keeping myself sick. Under this sunny disposition there is deep sadness, deep rage, deep hurt. I Ignore it.

Do you have an autoimmune disease or a chronic health issue?

I'm willing to bet, that life has beaten you up a bit, or a lot: Emotional or physical Abuse, Negative experiences from your childhood, unhealthy relationships, divorce, dealing with a chronically sick child, or one with disabilities, loss of someone close to you. This list could go on for pages. Life can be really cruel.

Emotional stress, especially the kind like mine that is buried and ignored, can not only make a person physically sick, but prevent them from healing. You might do everything right, eat the perfect diet, take the right supplements, spend endless amounts of money on seeing the best doctors.

If you ignore the crap buried in your soul- it could prevent you from healing 100%. There is a reason you got sick in the first place, and this may have a huge hand in telling you why.

I wish I had the perfect recipe to hand you, to teach you how to free yourself from past pains. The process for each of us may be different.

For me its an acceptance that I can't blame others.. its the realization that I have done this to myself. That my coping mechanism's are what are hurting me, even though I had the best of intentions. I've been through some really tough times, Ive forgiven others for unthinkable acts. I've been dragged through what felt like hell itself. I am still sick- and I now know why.

In fighting the good fight to get healthy again- don't neglect your true self.

Cheers to hope, and letting go of past burdens. It's not easy, but it can be done.


Brittany Angell

26 comments | Leave your own

  1. Laura King

    XOXO!!! I wish nothing for you but HEALTH and MUCH HAPPINESS

  2. Cara

    I needed to hear this. Thank you for sharing your story, your experiences, and everything else you have dealt with. You are an inspiration!

  3. REAL is right! :)

    I couldn’t agree more! In my journey w/chronic illness I feel like I’m becoming more and more my *true* self. No more putting on a happy face…I have to be how I really feel. It’s really freeing!

    To me, it seems that people pleasing is kind of at the root of this…now I have to disregard what others think, and do what’s best for me (easier said than done).

    And, I agree that most people with chronic illness have major pain they have to deal with. Our bodies and minds are so connected! May God bless your healing journey as you live each day in freedom.

  4. Lorna

    hugs to you,,God bless you with healing and joy in the journey

  5. ana

    First- thank you so much for sharing this. After all the problems I have had with my health, and everything else I had to deal with it it is only now that I’m slowly realizing that there’s still much to be done to truly get better. Especially with dealing with my past and letting it go. I find it so much more difficult when certain people are the reason you simply cannot let it go. However I still carry on and try to be as positive as I can be no matter how hard it can be sometimes.

    Anyway, I just want to tell you that I can completely relate to everything you said here, and I truly hope you’ll find happiness and peace that will help and allow you to heal and be healthy.

  6. Dayle

    Your raw transparency is refreshing, inspiring and soulful. Thank you for sharing your heart. You have put into words what many of us struggle with. My story is very similar only hidden behind the message “Good Christian girls are always nice”, which has been fed to me since childhood. Deep forgiveness is hard work, the healing is not always immediate and, yes, God wants a grateful heart in the midst of the most horrendous hurt in our souls. For the past 2 years going through treatment for Leukemia and a Bone Marrow Transplant, I cling to the phrase “In the depths of my suffering, this is my opportunity to show God how much I love Him.” My life is not perfect, yet deep down I know, that all this hurt, pain and heartache is for a reason. God loves me in that most disgusting, hateful, ugly place. This is my assurance. May you find strength, beauty, and cleansing that washes your soul. Hugs and prayers! ~Dayle

  7. John Billiris

    well said.

  8. Jeanene


    You are talking my language! There is proof between our physical health and our psychological health. I think it’s Awesome that you have learned this as a young woman! It has taken me many more yrs to figure it out! But….the good news is that I never plan to stop working on my junk!
    Have you heard of Celebrate Recovery? I love it!

    P.S. I love the new pics of you!

  9. Stephanie P

    I just found your blog today and am now following your posts & tweets! Thank you for being open and for being you! Amazing!

  10. christina

    i feel the same way, i am eating right but i am still not well.

  11. Roseann

    Spot on. Peace and health with good vibes your way!

  12. Lisa


  13. Tessa

    You are spot on. I highly recommend a book called A More Excellent Way to Be in Health by Henry Wright. It shows one how to heal the inner hurts and in the process heal the immune system. The book changed my life.

  14. donna

    i can so relate….there is no doubt that my own journey thru immune disorders- the gut problems began in my youth with much emotional pain… my spirit that was squashed…it took it’s toll and took years for me to understand…counseling helped- many, many books helped with the spiritual and emotional….then the journey began with the physical effects…i am grateful that i had an awakening at all but sure wish it had been earlier in life..the best ‘first’ step i ever made was to forgive-(not just others but mySELF)…not for them but for me…truly forgive- let go…stop holding onto the pain like a crutch…and the next best step was to banish some of those i forgave, from my life…no more negative influences..i wished them well and parted from them…what relief! there are still moments of anger and pain when i remember…but i put them away- not ignore them- feel what i need to feel then put it away…i used to ‘stuff’ my anger and pain- it grew into one huge gut disorder…it is a life long process, but i am so much better…no guilt, which also becomes a crutch…now i am free – i choose happiness and i know i will heal in time, physically….i wish for you, Brittany, healing in every way possible…your awareness is far beyond what mine was at your age…you have a good head-start…and you are strong- you will be fine…and thank you for sharing this- obviously, alot of us totally understand … be well and be happy πŸ˜‰

  15. Alyssa

    I sit reading this and you have provoked tears. I still consider myself young, a bright and optimistic 21-year-old, but I’ve aged enough to feel the influence of years of self destruction and emotional turmoil. And if it already is wearing me out, then I fear I won’t get very far in life at the rate I’m going.

    Now personally, I do not have any chronic health issues/autoimmune diseases, but your post still hits home due to the mental disorders I’ve allotted myself to go through alone for so many years (overall affecting my diet and outlook on life).Perhaps it’s time to pick up that phone and prove to myself that my problems are worth fixing, just like everyone else’s.

  16. Nancy

    Gee, you took the words right out of my mouth. I could’ve written this post!

    Thanks for sharing your story and your vulnerability. Consciousness is the first step in recovery, whether it’s spiritual or physical. I suspect there are many others that can relate to your story and I hope that you continue to share your journey where you see fit so that others can benefit from your path to healing.


  17. Elizabeth Good

    Beautiful, Brittany, and so eloquently put. I too, admire your raw transparency! I have no doubt in this time on our changing planet, that some of us are called to ” clean up” more than most, more than our ancestors were , and work in deeper ways than we have known how to do before. I see this in clients and sensitive friends so clearly. Sometimes even decades of spiritual, emotional, physical, mental work yields a still struggling body. It’s frustrating, but good to know there are many great resources for clearing, supportive sites such as yours, and communities of support! It’s vital to not blame ourselves, and still do what we are able to do. Thank you for a really great post.

  18. Sarah

    I’m really glad you wrote this post! However, I have to say, I am really prone to thoughts like “I made myself sick” and “I am keeping myself from healing” in ways that are really unproductive and just lead to spiraling anxiety. For me, it’s actually really important to blame the world sometimes, too. I haven’t read the book “The Highly Sensitive Person” in a long time (my mom bought it for me when I was like 12 :)) but I fit the description to a T of someone who’s both physically and emotionally sensitive. The author makes the point that being “highly sensitive” is a value-neutral trait, but because we’re the minority in society the world is just not arranged in a way that is healthy for us, physically or emotionally. So yes, there are things I can do to be proactive and heal (some of which I’m not always doing), but a lot of that is rearranging my life so that the world around me isn’t contributing to my sickness.

  19. The Healthy Apple

    I love you! This post is beautiful and thank you for opening yourself up. I LOVE your new blog design; you look absolutely beautiful and you are an amazing friend. I am so honored and happy to have you as one of my buddies!
    Sending you huge hugs; wish I could have seen you this week in NYC. SO sorry I missed you but hope to see you soon.
    Keep your head up; you are a fighter and you are beautiful inside and out!
    Love u, Brit!

  20. Dana

    It is amazing how much emotions can lead to freedom on the physical and spiritual planes –
    We can eat so well but if we don’t nourish our inside with loving thoughts and healing words it won’t matter….. great thoughts and great post! May you be blessed with the right people to guide you in life, as much as you guide all of us trying to bake and cook healthfully.

  21. Katherine

    Hi Brittany! I just wanted to say that I’m happy I stubbled on your blog, as I too have several food allergies (including gluten and soy) and suffer from chronic candida. Seeing other women struggle with the same issues, and to handle them so gracefully, is refreshing and reassuring. Having an arsenal of different resources and sources of inspiration is a true blessing for girls like us! Thank you so much for being so open and helpful on your blog! – Katherine

  22. Marissa

    Thank you for this beautiful post, Brittany. I can completely relate to it. The frustration, the new hopes every time something doesn’t work, and ignoring the emotional aspects of illness. I have found that stress and negativity affect me so much more than any foods that I do or don’t eat (or any other factor for that matter). The power of the mind is immense. I’m sending you positive vibes and wishing for you good luck in emotional healing. I’m doing the same thing right now, too!

  23. Robin

    I sympathize with you very much. I “was” sick for almost two decades and unwell for nearly my whole life. I learned to re-train my amygdala (primitive brain). This has helped me so much that I can’t even describe it. Please look into amygdala re-training or EFT, Emotional Freedom technique, AKA “tapping”.
    Also get your methylation status tested. You may need methylfolate (L5methyltetrahydrofolate, or 5MTHF) instead of the cheaper kind. Some people can’t convert it and it becomes a toxin and a deficiency at the same time. These things have changed my life, or given me back my life, to be more accurate.

  24. Ted

    Hi Brittany,

    I’ve heard the concept that you talk about, “Cheers to hope, and letting go of past burdens. It’s not easy, but it can be done. ” many times from many people in many different ways; BUT I’ve never heard of how to find out what those burdens are, what it means to “let go” of them or how to let go of them.
    If you (or anyone else reading this) have any clues to the answers to any of those questions, could you please tell them to me?

    (and I look forward to trying your spinach tortillas that wheatfreemeatfree emailed me about πŸ™‚

  25. Lindsay

    You just spoke to my heart. I am the same way, always looking on the bright side, finding the good in the bad when trying to make sense of life. Your words were so eloquently written & made me think. Thank you.

  26. Nicole

    thank you, your words are healing tonight. I have set out on my own journey to healing. Thanks for your openess.

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